How best to stay connected with your athlete about how training is going without making running the central focus of your relationship with your child?

~ SUZANNE, WASHINGTON

~ Mike Smith, Karrie Baloga and Ava Mitchell, Boston 2025

Dear Suzanne,

My first thought when I read your question was that anyone so aware and earnest as to write and ask this question is doing just fine regarding how they speak with their child. But, your question is important and I am glad to share my thoughts on this.

First, I can understand why any parent would ask their athlete child about their running. The topic is one that you know that your kid cares about. So, it’s an obvious doorway for connection. However, you’re right in sensing that if running becomes the primary subject of conversation its value to you in your child’s eyes can be misperceived. Here are a few suggestions:

When asking about your child’s training try do so with a conscious intention to understand their experience versus evaluate or critique their progress or performance. Often, the energy that we bring to a conversation communicates our intention even more than the words that we say. For example, if we ask about training with a relaxed and light approach the athlete will sense that you have a relaxed and light relationship with their running. However, if we inquire with more intensity than necessary, your child might perceive that their training is a big deal to you.  

The kind of questions and statements that we choose also communicate a desire to understand versus evaluate or critique. For example, qualitative questions in the following style usually communicate a desire to understand: how are you feeling during training this week? What does a typical training week look like? What parts do you enjoy? What parts are hard? What are your teammates like? What are you looking forward to? Is there anything regarding your running that you feel worried about right now? I love how much you love your running. I admire your commitment.

The following questions and statements can sound evaluative to an athlete, even if that is not the intention: how many miles are you running this week? How many does your coach want you to run? Were you faster on this week’s tempo run than last week’s tempo run? Are you making progress? Do you think that you can beat so-and-so at such-and-such race? You know you’re in the top 10 in your event in the state! I just know that you will PR in the 2 mile this spring.

I also think that your question, as you asked it of me, could be posed directly to your child. “Hey, I want to tell you that I ask you about your running because I know that it is important to you. But, I certainly I see you as much more than a runner, and so I am always eager to hear your guidelines as to how and how much we discuss your running.”

I think that if conversation topics are regularly expand to other subjects (school, friendships, world events, even asking their opinion and experience on or with anything else) the risk is low that a young athlete will feel like their training is over-emphasized by you.

Finally, years ago someone wise told me that the thing a child is looking for, above all else, is if you light up when they enter the room. 

My final thought is for the young athletes reading this answer. When we are young we look up to our parents so much that it can be hard to imagine that they are vulnerable to how we respond to them. But, they are. When you love something as much as your parents love you, you want to do right so badly that it hurts (just like you want to run fast that badly). If your parents don’t phrase some question quite right, or if they bring a different energy than you would prefer to your running, offer them some grace. If you can trust that they will be receptive, help them understand how they can help you better. That’s what they want to do more than anything else.

And I can tell that this is true regarding what you wish for your child too, Suzanne. Thank you for your question.